Your mom!
by aurdox
Summary: One shots. What happens when you alter lines, or if you change ones objectives? How the video game plot changes when you alter two words. Rated for safty reasons of getting carried away...
1. Chapter 1

**One shots of random Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts II lines, altered with for fun. What would happen if the people in Kingdom Hearts seeked something other than Kingdom Hearts? Diverting from the story plot we'll find out what can happen when you alter one sentence.**

Beast ran through his castle, anger boiling within him. Sora, Donald, and Goofy followed Beast, their weapons ready. Bursting into the castle foyer, the doors made a loud crack echoing throughout the castle. Running down the stairs, a voice made the group whip their heads to face the ball room. Above the ball room doors was a little balcony, and their stood a man in a black robe, with black hair in braids, and side burns. His face much resembled a monkey, or a werewolf. He held a rose in a simple glass case.

"Xaldin!" Beast roared.

"What are you really after?" Sora yelled fuming with rage.

The man, known as Xaldin, grinned. "Your mom!" He said with excitement. Sora stared blankly, his keyblade drooping.

"Wha...?" Donald said rather quietly turning towards Goofy who shrugged with a confused expression.

Xaldin continued, "Once I have your mom I can exist fully and completely." He said smugly, his voice echoing throughout the castle, accompanied by crickets chirping. Sora turned to face his companions.

"Did he say he wanted my mom?" He asked rasing an eyebrow. Donald and Goofy looked at each other, then nodded. Sora turned to Xaldin.

Xaldin stared at Sora with a grin, his eyebrows moving up and down in a suggestive manner. "Are you coming on to me?" Sora asked skeptically.

Xaldin's grin disappeared. "For countless nights... I dreamt of yo- Hey! Wait where are you going?"

"I can't take the insanity." Sora murmured, shaking his head. "Taking over Kingdom Hearts is one thing, wanting my mom is another. Coming on to me..." Sora unable to finish the sentence walked out the door closing it behind him and boarded the gummi ship. Xaldin turned to Beast.

"Poker tomorrow?" Beast nodded.

"Usual time?" Xaldin nodded.

**Sorry for the randomness, I kinda got a bit carried away after eyebrow thing... Anyways, read and review, flames are welcome because they're just so damn amusing, and anyways I have a new obsession with fire...**


	2. 12 step program

**Heyos, I'm surprised I got such good reviews for "Your mom!" After I got done writing it, I began to whine. Unfortunately I don't think I'll be able to write something as clever as the first chapter, so I'm gonna have to improvise. The idea for my last story was inspired by my friend while playing her game, but this one is inspired by the FAQ I'm currently writing for the game. I hope you all enjoy, and also at the end of the chapter I'll thank each and every one of you who reviewed!**

_**12 step program**_

Roxas walk through the forest on his way to the mansion. Pence was not to far behind, for once being quiet. Walking out of the woods into a clearing before the mansion, Pence began mumbling.

_I wish he'd just shut up. Whenever he talks he sounds even more like dumbass._ Roxas thought to himself somewhat angrily. "You know something, we were gonna check the mansion out tomorrow." Pence said looking at the mansion.

Roxas looked over at Pence, "Right." He said somewhat in disbelief.

"Seifer was going to help." Pence said still staring at the mansion, his voice not changing a hair. Roxas turned his head to look over at Pence.

"Seifer?" He yelled surprised, and confused.

"Yeah, Hayner asked him." Pence said looking at Roxas briefly.

Roxas looked at the ground, before turning to face the mansion. "So, what are we lookin' for?" Roxas asked shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Well, they say there's a girl who appears at the second floor window...even though no one has lived here for years." The last fragment he said a in creepy voice. Roxas spared Pence a brief glance before staring back at the window on the second floor. There he faintly saw Naminé.

Now finding himself inside the room, he looked around. Drawings were posted all over the wall. He saw a picture of himself, and Axel. That's when he heard Naminé. After talking to her for a while, he heard his name being called.

Pence stared at Roxas, who's mouth was slightly agape, and drool dripping out. Turning his head, he stared real hard into the second story window. Seeing nothing, he turned to look at Roxas. "Roxas..." He said quietly. Feeling uncomfortable, Pence began shifting from foot to foot. "Roxas!" He said in a quiet but urgent voice. The drool was flowing out at a more steady rate. "Gross," He murmured quietly. Taking a deep breath, he began to shake Roxas's shoulder. "Roxas, Roxas!" He spoke louder.

Roxas blinked, then looked at Pence, "Huh?"

Pence sighed, "Did you see her?" Roxas nodded his head excitedly like a young child, the pointed to the second story window enthusiastically. "Yeah, watch the window closely."

Pence squinted his eyes, trying to the best of his seeing abilities, but saw no one. Only the curtains flapping in the wind. "Roxas," He murmured quietly. Roxas turned to him, with inquiring eyes.

"Hm?" He grunted softly. Pence took a deep breath.

"Do you have... you know..-" His voice got quieter as he talked. "...issues?" Pence's eyes were stuck on the ground. Roxas's jaw dropped, as he gave Pence a look of disbelief.

"What? What exactly do you mean?" Roxas asked slightly outraged at such a accusation.

"Well, first it was the money. Then earlier you were claiming to see a purple train. And now your seeing people." Pence's eyes were unable to meet Roxas's. Pence twiddled his thumbs. "Lying, stealing, and now seeing things." Pence took another deep breath. "Are you on drugs?"

"Wha..? It's not like that! Pence, I'm not on dru-" Roxas said frantically, shocked about the accusations made against him, but quickly he was cut off by Pence.

"Roxas, it's alright. They have twelve step programs for stuff like this. My uncle is in one." Roxas began waving his hands around.

"I'M NOT ON DRUGS ALRIGHT?" Pence shook his head.

"Denial is only the first step. Once you over come that, then you can get better." Roxas stared wide eyed at his supposed "friend".

"It's a decent place. That's what my uncle says. I'll even take you there and-" Roxas glared at his friend pulling out his struggle stick. Pence looked wide eyed, then stepped back slightly. "Also violence is a result of drugs. Roxas they can help you!" Pence began to yell as Roxas began to chase him into the woods. "They can help youuuuu!" Pence yelled his voice fading with distance.

**Well, I hope this one is somewhat funny. During my FAQ, I picked on Roxas a tad for the money issue, and then seeing things that were nonexistent. I hope you all enjoyed this, and if you get an idea for a one shot and lemme know! It's hard coming up with these things. Anyways now to give props for those who reviewed!**

**ShadowDragon394: I'm glad this was funny. I must say though, I've got your dirt. Now it's mine**

**NocturnalWriter: I'm glad you like it, I hope this chapter was good::crosses fingers in hope: hehe**

**XxPredictablexX: I don't like Xaldin... He reminds me of a creepystalker type... lol ---Internet lingo!**

**Rykt: I'm glad! I hope I can continue on with my stories being good!**

**some.wEiRd.username: Hahahahaha! I love your message, I hope this is funny enough for you..(I'm starting to sound like a broken record!). **

**LKani-X: I agree completely with you... :grins:**

**Remember, read and review if you likey, and also I'm surprised no flaming, but as you know what I'd say... I won't say it again. **

**Kuro-chanhas left the building. Please call between the hours of three am and five am. Thank you.  
**


	3. The End

**Hey! Inspiration struck again... although it's long overdue. I actually had this idea over a year ago, just didn't feel like putting form to it... until now. The quick disclamiers, I do not own Sqare Enix, Kingdom Hearts, or Playstation. Now enjoy Kingdom Hearts II: The End.**

"Riku!" The boy with brown hair cried out, as the older boy with white hair, Riku, collapsed on the ground, weak, and fatigued. The _nobodies_ that swarmed he and Sora, crouched, scythe like hands ready to strike their enemies in masses before dissappearing completely in little puffs of darkness. Admid the huge white and gray expanse stood the two survivors, the one with brown hair looking about in surprise.

"Sora, I can't." Riku laborusly panted, feeling his body inch closer to the point of no return. Sora's face looked pained.

"How can you say that?" He seemd appauled that Riku would suggest such a henious idea of leaving his dear friend to certain death, unbeknowst to him that if their rolls were switched, Riku would abandon him without any mercy.

"Sora, look where we are. There's no where for us to go." He looked about the endless space. Sora sighed. "Maybe I should just fade back into darkness." He muttered sullenly.

"Come on, let's go." Sora said hoisting Riku up, and carring most of Riku's weight via the belt.

"You lead." Riku said deeply touched by his friends loyalty, and shamed by his lack thereof.

"Got it," Sora smiled, knowing that he finally had his friend back.

-:- -:- -:-

After walking for what seemed like twenty minutes, Riku decided talking would greatly behoove their friendship to recover from damage that was incurred ever since that fateful day Destiny Islands was consumed by darkness.

"You know," He looked down at his young Keyblade Master. "I always figured I was better at stuff."

"Really," Sora mused thoughtfully.

"You mad?"

"No," He drawled deliberatly. "I always thought so too."

"Kairi liked me more." He quietly stated under his breath.

"What?" Sora looked up at Riku wondering if he misheard him. Of course Kairi liked Sora better. She chose Sora to hold on to her heart, not Riku. That, and the many private conversations they had. _Unless she had her own with Riku..._ Sora's train of thought came crashing to an abrupt end at this terrible revelation.

"I didn't say anything." Riku denied quickly, adverting his gaze to the insipid expanse stretched out before the two. Sora opened his mouth to inquire further, but a blinding white light expanding in front of the two heroes silenced any difference in opinons.

Both taking a deep breath, hobbled together through the portal.

"End of the road." Riku murmured sadly.

Sora's pinched his lips together, his eyes scanning the dreary expanse. Rocks with craters filled with oozing masses of darkness made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Forcing himself to be indifferent simply replied: "Yep."

"Put me down," Riku politely commanded. Sora looked at him warily before reluctantly letting go. Riku smiled tilting his head to the side, and holding up his hands as if to say 'Look mom, I can do it!' Sora nodded his head once in satisfaction. Turning to face the water, he headed towards the sandy ground.

A thoughtful look came over his features, "You know, maybe the darkness has gotten to me too." Turning to look at his friends, he jumped. "Riku!" He dashed over to his friend, kneeling on the collapsed white haired boy.

"This world is perfect for me." Riku muttered cynically. "Maybe I should fade back back into darkness." He muttered looking at the rough terriane beneath him. Pushing himself up, he sat on his haunches. "If this is all the world is. If all its made of is light and darkness, we'll be the darkness." He muttered smoothly. He glanced in Sora's direction to look upon the boys face.

Sora nodded in agreement. "The light realms safe now. Kairi, the King, Donald, Goofy. They're all safe." He looked over at Riku grinning. "We'll be the darkness."

"Take me to the water." Riku's gaze lingered over the water. Sora stood up, and again using as much leverage as possible, hoisted Riku up, and together the duo awkardly hobbled towards the water.

A fond smile crept across Riku's features. "The waves still sound the same." He mumbled to himself closing his eyes.

Sitting upon the sandy shores Riku couldn't help but smile. "What I said back there..." Riku began slightly hesitant.

"Mhmm?" The question Riku was leading up to peaked Sora's interest.

"To be honest, it was all true. Every last bit." Sora looked over with a look of utter disbelief. Riku waved his hands to continue. "I didn't just think I was better than you. I knew I was, still am."

Sora barked a laugh, "Humble much?" Riku glared indignat.

"Let me finish." Riku snapped. "Well, although I was inherently superior in basically everything... I was jellous." His voice grew quiet as he spoke. Sora looked over his mouth agape.

"What for?" He couldn't believe Riku was jellous, and of what? He was right in claming he was inherently supieror. In fact the only time Sora could beat him was when the first game started and the hard core awesome game players were able to level Sora up and use strategies to help him beat Riku, barely.

"I was jellous you could always follow your heart." He mumbled, a small blush crept across his face.

Sora quirked a brow, _Why couldn't he follow his heart... unless he had issues with peer pressure. Yeah, that's deffinatly a Riku thing._ He pursed his lips thoughtfully. "I have my share of problems too y'know." Sora, the humble martyr, replied solemnly.

Riku couldn't help but scoff, "Like what?" His voice carried unfiltered sceptisism.

"Stuff, like having a backstab- er... I mean having a crazy drug using alter-ego (1)." Riku stared at Sora wondering what he was originally going to say. Shrugging it off he decided to continue with his scripted speech.

"Well, there is one advantage to being me." Riku smirked. Sora quirked a brow. "I'm always going to be taller than you." He smugly replied. Sora bolted up, pointing his finger at Riku.

"I knew you were going to bring that up _again_!" He hissed, remembering ever since Riku had hit puberty he had been taller than him and rightly so rubbed his face in it. Riku wheezed with laughter as Sora fumed silently. "The darkness can keep you!" He screeched. Tears flooded Riku's vision as slapped his knee laughing. "And anyway, I've got something you can never imiate-" Sora began vehmently.

"Being short!" Riku got out inbetween fits of laughter. Sora was visably shaking with anger, Sora began a long winded rant about how every chance Riku got he had to bring up Sora's height. Riku's laughter quieted down as he noticed a bottle. Picking it up, he took out the contents, carefully reading the parchment. Looking up at Sora, he held out the paper. "Sora," he replied earnestly. Sora grabbed the paper, ripped it up into tiny scraps of paper, then threw it into the water watching it scatter. That would show Riku!

"What," He breathed turning his head toward the older boy finally regaining his composure.

"That was our only way home." Riku muttered in shock. Sora stood silent for a long minute.

Throwing his hands up in the air, Sora shouted unto the heavens the most memorable words of the Kingdom Hearts, Chain of Memories, and Kingdom Hearts II:

"#$%"

END OF KINGDOM HEARTS II.

**(1): Remember Roxas? If not, go read chapter 2. **

**Haha... I like that. When I imagined writing this story I never really thought about how I would end it. It just kind of happened and it made me smile. That and I never thought I would see the day when symbols would be necessary for Sora's potty mouth (shocked look). I think old man Disney just rose from the grave and is going to teach Sora a lesson or two about Disney wholesomeness. **

**Well I hope you like this one, the next one is going to be a little more... intersting (bites lip), but you'll have to wait until I get that all typed up. Hey look, I've decided to be nice and do shout-outs to the faithful reviewers of "Your Mom" oneshots. Love you guys! Don't forget to read and review. **

**OH! For those who have ideas, but don't feel like putting them in a fanfiction, or whatever your reasons, ideas are appreciated. Credit will be given where credit is due. If your idea, then in essence, your fanfiction.**

**iShiznitch: Haha, I totally agree. Through the whole game (had I not known) would have seriously thought he was on drugs… purple trains and all. Old man Disney is very angry he likes his censorship… probably why it all fell apart after he froze himself to death.**

**LuckiiBeckii: I'm so glad you like it! The eyebrow thing is a little weird… like dancing catapillars weird.**

**LKani-X: Of course you're in it! You Reviewed!!! The whole Roxas segment of the game felt like he was on drugs… see kids, that's what drugs do to you XD**

**tiduskazurakitesora: Again (I hope I'm not sounding like a broken record) glad you think it's so funny, and in truth I don't see Xaldin coming on to Sora… hence why it is a drabble.**

**Cheekie Excel: Thank you for your hilarious review… HA HA power yeah! (wtf up with that statement?)**

**Rykt: I love LMAO, it's one of the best acryonyms of the technology era. It's great.**

**EmoIsKabibble: I'm not to certain what ishkabibble is but I like it… thank you!**

**: Sometimes less is more :) Thanks!**

**ShadowKitsune19: I'm sorry to alert your mother, but I'm glad that you found it so funny! I'll keep trying.**

**KibaxIno is love: I try. I'm still trying to figure out how to fit in the panty line thing… but I haven't forgotten**

**SharleaNorth: Yes, it is disturbing… and sadly it's what come from my head v.v Glad you liked it.**

**Gabubi-baka: Oh thank you so much. You're a great self-esteem booster, and make me feel as if I'm worthy (cries embarrassedly) I hope you enjoy my newest chapter. Thank you.**

**THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR REVIEWS!!! I REALLY DO APPRICIATE IT!**

**I hope all of you enjoy my stories… and I'll keep trying. Gotta go, going to be late for class XD!**


	4. Like This?

**Before I begin I must apologize for the crude humor (if you dare to call it that) but as I said previously, this chapter will be interesting. This was inspired by the same friend who encouraged Your Mom. It is rather due to the content and characters chosen for this roll but alas t'was not I but Square Enix (formerly known as Square Soft) who created this situation; I and my friend only perverted it.**

Like This?

A young boy approached a book with several torn pages missing, Upon opening the book a white light consumed him. After blinking several times his vision slowly started to return and he found himself looking about the surface of the page. Below him was an image of a river with a bridge and a swing. Walking over, white light consumed him again. When everything was visible again, the boy found himself standing in front of the bridge.

On the bridge leaning over the rails and looking into the water was a teddy bear wearing a red shirt, and a small pig; Pooh Bear, and Piglet.

"Piglet, look. I think I see something down the river." Pooh said pointing with his paw. Further upstream was the donkey, Eeyore, submerged in the water. Sora couldn't help but wonder how Eeyore was alive, but then he remembered. Eeyore didn't need to breath. Just like Pooh, and Piglet; he was only a stuffed animal, stuffed with sawdust; that poor tragic burrow.

Sora couldn't help but feel a little pity for Eeyore. He was the immortal emo; in a donkey suit, which brought forth a few questions in his mind such as what kind of music did Eeyore enjoy, and what happened when Eeyore cut himself?

"Hello Eeyore! What are you doing in the river?" Pooh called out naively. Sometimes Pooh's stupidity was just a little much.

"Hello," Eeyore drawled. "I seem to have fallen and I can't get up!" Eeyore called out. "If it wouldn't be too much trouble, you could get me out of the water, but if you don't want to that's okay." He said as if it were really an option, and since Pooh and Piglet _didn't_ have to help him they decided to let Eeyore drown, and by drown methinks saturate himself with water to the point of sinking to the bottom of the stream and then rot there since the case is with all non-living fictional creatures in a book that are stuffed with fluff, and honey, or sawdust in Eeyore's case; oxygen isn't required for sustaining life.

Sora heaved a deep sigh. He was the Good Samaritan, and now he would have to jump into the river, rescue the burrow, and catch hypothermia. Neatly diving into the river, Sora's rescue ceased to be heroic the moment he found himself standing chest deep in a mucky stream.

With fourteen years of swimming in the ocean, a three foot stream proved to be nothing more than child's play, no pun intended.

After fetching Eeyore, Sora threw him onto the bank of the stream, and climbed out himself.

Sitting down and removing his shoes, Sora grimaced as muck slowly began to pour out of his shoes, along with: a pair of keys, a detention with Christopher Robins name on it, a cheap Cracker Jack ring, a waterlogged watch, and a wrapper to a McDonalds Double Cheeseburger.

"Is there any honey in there?" Pooh bent down, peeking into one of Sora's giant shoes. Sora rolled his eyes at Pooh, slowly shaking his head.

"I still can't help but feel a part of me is missing." Eeyore whined. Piglet began his nervous dance which meant two things: Either Piglet had to pee, or he had made a discovery. It was the latter.

"Oh, m-m-m-m-my! Eeyore, you're tail is missing!" Piglet exclaimed. Eeyore sighed before looking over at Sora and Pooh, who at this moment were fighting over Sora's shoes, Pooh determined to find honey in them for it was his feeding time and the nearest honey available was atleast three pages away.

"I'm sort of attached to my tail, even though I don't know why." Eeyore stated to the quarreling two, trying to sound as if it wasn't really necessary to help him, but if no one did help him he would go to his pathetic bundle of twigs he called a house and try to cut himself, with a twig mind you since he really had no house thus meaning he had no utensils to speak of to use to cut himself with; and if succeeding in cutting himself via twig, bleed moldy wet sawdust.

Pooh pulled his head out of Sora's left shoe with disappointment clearly on his face, for his venture had been for naught, and only served in his senses being assulted by the horrendous odor of boy foot funk. "Then we'll have to look for your tail." Pooh stated his appitite murdered by _essence le Sora_. With his face free he attempt to remove the muck but only smeared it all over his face. "Sora would you help us?" Sora reluctantly nodded taking his shoe back from Pooh knowing full well that himself be the only one capable of helping Eeyore. Pooh was capable of only finding honey, Piglet was Pooh's henchmen thus useless as well, and Eeyore was emo.

"Lost something?" Owl said flying out of nowhere.

"Yeah, Eeyore lost his tail. Again." Sora replied scratching his head. "Can you help us find it?"

"I'm sorry, my eyes aren't what they used to be, because I like to read." Sora narrowed his eyes at the lazy fact fabricating fowl who paid no mind to his dirty looks, "You see that swing up there?" Owl looked at the hill with the tree and swing. Sora nodded warily. "You're a bit too big but Pooh should fit nicely."

Sora threw Pooh over his shoulder, too impatient to allow the slow fat bear to waddle his way after Sora up the hill for everyone knows molasas moves faster than Pooh. Upon the hill, Sora plopped Pooh upon the swing.

Owl flew down again from nowhere, and sat himself upon the branch of the tree. "Here's what to do: First get ready to push."

"How?" Sora asked, not understanding why basic functions had temporarily been denied through one's own will and logic.

"Like this." Owl replied.

"Like this?" Sora retorted. "How's this?" He inquired after a few tries.

"Not bad, not bad. Here's the next step: Make sure you do that before he comes back to the bottom. Time it right and Pooh will swing higher and higher. Try it!" Owl flapped his wings for emphasis. "Push too soon and he won't go higher, push to late and he'll go too high."

"Owl?" Sora looked up at the bird.

"Hm?"

Sora shook his head, "This dialog is terrible and is borderline bestiality. How did this game get an E rating."

Owl narrowed his eyes at Sora, "The same way your mom-"

"Stop! We are so not doing the _Your Mom_ thing."

"Very well then kill joy." Owl paused in thoughtful contemplation. "How about your face?"

Sora stopped pushing Pooh on the swing and glared at Owl, "No." He said through clenched teeth.

**For more entertainment at Pooh's expense, and if you don't mind fluff and blood go to Vgcats [.] com it's a site that makes fun of video games. Look for the comic #194 (I think that's it). On that note, I ask you? Where does the honey that Pooh eats go? **

**Reading doesn't kill your eyesight. It's been proven, as well as reading in the dark, and watching movies in the dark. Heredity and drugs can ruin your eyesight though.**

**Bestiality... it's terrible. Seriously if you were to go back to the first game and read the dialog like that, it really is awful. Leave it to two teens to figure that out (duh). Well, I hope you all enjoyed this one. As of now I have no further ideas... and I'm still trying to figure out how to do the panty liners one. I noticed with my shout outs I had some review name mess ups (courtesy of fan fiction and their weird programs) and so I will try to rectify that to the best of my abilities. I am so sorry, please forgive me.**

**Alright, here are the name corrections (btw thanks a lot fanfiction);**

**some . weird . username : I am so sorry, I didn't realize fanfiction would do that.**

**tadako . kazahaya : again I apologize, I didn't foresee that happening when I was writing the reviews. please forgive me. **

**And now for shout outs:**

**Sadly my last chapter didn't hit it off so well, but I did get one review and so I must thank Natalie Beck for her very kind review. **

**I had told myself that I wasn't going to update this story if I didn't get at least one review, but I had already had this story written before I wrote the last one. Natalie Beck did encourage my getting it out faster though (I'm still hesitant to post this one because I keep making changes on it).**

**So back to the review credits, Natalie Beck, again thank you for your very kind review. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like fuzzy pink slippers fuzzy, and I hope you really enjoy this one. **

**As to the rest of you... I hope you enjoy this one as well. **

**~aurdox**


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